One of my favorite country songs gave me the title to this post, What might have been by Lonestar. The lyrics of that song could supply multiple posts for me, but I'll focus on one.
Depression has been a thorn in my side since my early twenties. I've never been clinically depressed but I suffer with moments (sometimes weeks or months) of just a downcast spirit. There is never a prominent circumstance which leads to this state. I think life in general does it :) So I find myself in another of those moments right now. There is an anxiety inside of me at the moment that I can't put a finger on. Very frustrating.
Lately, my mind has thought about how I'm a couple steps behind most of my peers. I went to college after high school but did not finish right away. I left college and traveled with Life Action Ministries for three years. After that, I moved home to Somerset, Kentucky for two years. After seven years of being out of high school, I went back to college. When my ten-year high school reunion came up I had just finished undergraduate work.
Most of my high school classmates had been finished with that part of life and been in a job for a good four plus years. That meant they were already paying on their student loans, buying a house instead of renting, and possibly married with children. I was just starting that part of life. Now, don't get me wrong, I know God had plans for me to travel with Life Action Ministries and not finish my degree for a while. But, from those decisions has come a present frustration.
As a thirty-year-old woman living in Nashville, I am extremely tied down to some financial obligations that most of my classmates have moved past. They are free to explore a career they would enjoy, not just have a job that pays bills. Since I didn't know what I wanted to spend my life doing for a career at the age of seventeen, I don't have the education to back career paths I would love to venture down. And to start now with the educational training is nearly impossible. The money simply isn't there. If someone wants to cover my bills for a couple of years, I would be very willing to pursue the degree I want.
Where the song title comes into play is this: What might have been, what would be in my life right now if I'd known what college major to have right out of high school? Where would I be financially, relationally, vocationally?
OK, enough melancholy Mindy.
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1 comment:
I feel your pain. (I refrain from saying I understand, b/c I haven't experienced exactly what you have and therefore can't understand completely.) But I digress. I know what it's like to feel like you're treading water, just waiting for the "next big thing" to happen, and wondering what choices, sin, mistakes led you here. And then wondering why in the world God's plan led you . . .here. It's normal to wonder about what might have been, but I don't think we should camp out there. And as someone who knew what she wanted to do when she went to college and followed that plan. . . sometimes you end up doing things you never really had an idea you would. Sometimes you discover the thing you thought you were so good at and wanted to do simply isn't your calling. So chin up, girl! I'm praying for you, and I love you—wherever you are, whatever you're doing, in spite of what might of been and is to come!
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